1 + 1 = A Big Fat Pain in the Ass!

There’s no question that relationships take work.  However, the current divorce statistics would suggest that most couples decide it’s not worth the effort after they pop out a couple of kids, the newness wares off, and reality sets in.  I’m not sure I blame them, but then why go through the hassle of getting married?  You’re certainly not doing me any favors.

I think it’s kind of unfair that I go to your weddings, buy you gifts.  Go to your baby showers, buy you gifts.  Spend a small fortune celebrating your life events, and then you have the balls to get divorced?!?!  There should be some kind of money back guarantee for these things! 

Quite frankly, I think it should be the other way around.  You buy me gifts for NOT getting married, for managing NOT to get knocked up and imposing my spawn on society, and being able to take care of myself without requiring any kind of government assistance.  But hey, what do I know?      

I was raised to believe that marriage is a forever kind of deal.  I had great examples to follow while I was growing up, and I've seen that it can actually be done.  However, I don’t think it’s for everyone. 

The thought of legally binding myself to ONE person “until death do us part”…the idea of only sleeping with the same person for the rest of my life…no wonder so many marriages end in murder.  These are scary concepts! 

Hell, when I found out that my accidental pet kitties could live to be 20 years old, I totally freaked out!  Somehow I had no idea that cats lived that long, and I briefly considered taking them to the humane society.  And let it be known that I like animals way better than people.  At the time (six years ago), 20 years seemed like a pretty big commitment that I didn't know if I was ready for. 

Don’t worry, I kept the cats and learned to love their furry, expensive, at times a bit stinky, little… faces.  I imagine arranged marriages kind of work the same way?

I just can’t help but wonder if we’re fighting human nature by committing our lives to only ONE other individual.   

I’m not suggesting that everyone go out and have affairs (although there are websites that specialize in that very concept), or that an “alternative” lifestyle is the answer either.  Nevertheless, asking someone to be completely faithful to one person for the rest of their lives is a pretty huge expectation.  In reality, I honestly don’t know too many people that are very good at it anyway.  As a society, do we have unrealistic expectations of love?        

I Think it’s Time you Knew…Your Daughter Dresses Like a Slut

It’s bad enough that some of the most recent fashion trends are at best icky, and I’m not just talking about skinny jeans.  Anybody that knows me knows how I feel about them, and for the most part I can’t support their use.  The only exception made is if skinny jeans are worn with boots.

Skinny jeans are the fashion industry’s idea of a joke, and everyone fell for it.  I’m not sure why nobody figured it out, but they’re not flattering on most people.  Yes, I realize this is MY opinion, and obviously most people don’t agree…because manufactures keep making them.  Hence, this must mean people keep buying them, Economics 101.   

Don’t even get me started on how stupid guys look wearing skinny jeans.  No one wants to see that shit.

 

Not to worry though, I’m not here to single anyone out.  I’m an equal opportunity offender.  I've also had enough neon color everything, pastel and/or floral patterned skinny jeans, harem pants, mullet skirts/dresses, crop tops, and UGG boots with shorts.  Just because celebrities wear them doesn't make it right!  They get paid to look stupid, you don’t.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I’d like to discuss my distaste for teenage girls dressing like hookers.   Don’t get me wrong, the boys look stupid too, but at least their shit isn't hanging out everywhere.  Ewe.

I’m all for using clothing as a means of self expression, especially when you’re a teenager.  I mean how else can you really express yourself at that age right?  I get it, I was a teenager once. 

Let’s face it; life is pretty boring until you hit that magic # 21 (or 19 if you live in a state that borders Canada).  If you’re lucky, by 16 you have your driver’s license, but you probably still have to ask to use your parent’s car.  You probably still have a curfew.  You’re not old enough to drink…legally.  Ugh.

 

But ladies, do you really need to wear shorts that are so short and tight that your lady parts can’t breathe?  Not only is it not flattering, but it’s not healthy either.  And unless you’re over the age of 18 and built like a supermodel (which most of you aren't), enough with the crop tops too. 

   

When I was in high school, or actually until I moved out, my parents would NEVER let me leave the house wearing stuff like that.  If I wanted to look like a hooker I had to be sneaky about it!

Mom and dad, do you know what your daughter looks like when she leaves the house?  Are you actually buying these clothes for her?  Granted, kids are going to do what kids are going to do, but you don’t have to make it easy for them.

On that note, I’m sure I've pissed off more than a couple people, however, this is my blog not yours.  If I've offended you…read something else:)  

The Ending of an Era

Well, this week was not great.
                                                   

On Monday I found out that my favorite laundry detergent was discontinued…a long time ago.  Since I’m always the last one to know everything (for example, Mothers Day dinner was moved from 4:30pm to 4pm and I guess they just “forgot” to tell me), I wasn't completely shocked at the response I got from Tide.  However, I was completely disappointed to find out that my long time love affair with that lilac scented wonderfulness was officially over.  Strike one.

On Wednesday I was given the devastating news that my favorite radio personalities (Drew & Mike on WRIF) would soon be going off the air.  I've started my mornings with these guys since high school!!  It’s like a part of my childhood is being taken away from me.  Fart jokes and all, they will be missed.  Strike two.

On Thursday I was notified that apparently I haven’t paid my cable bill in two months.  Whoopsie.  There’s $300.00 I wasn't ready to part with.  Strike three!!!

At this point I was feeling pretty down and out.  What I didn't know yet was that my luck was about to turn around.

Friday was a day just like any other.  I woke up, took a shower, fed the cats, and went to work.  At lunch time, I went to Costco with a couple of coworkers…and there it was.  Folded neatly on a table among hundreds of other unadvertised articles of clothing, the ever elusive “perfect” pair of pants! *mind blown* 

        

Now, what is truly spectacular about this story is that any Costco shopper knows that there are ZERO dressing rooms there.  That’s right ladies; I bought dress pants, without trying them on, for $30…AND THEY FIT AMAZING!!!!  In my 33 years of existence, this has never happened.  Until now.

This kind of occurrence is an anomaly, so of course I went back the very next day and bought the same pair of pants in the other two colors.

The moral of the story, no matter how bad things get, sometimes true love really can be found inside a pair of pants.   

Inspired by Some Fatties (not the kind you smoke)

A few years ago, I found myself accidently watching an episode of The Biggest Loser.  I’m thinking it was one of the final episodes of the season because there were only like five contestants remaining.  Anyway, I was shocked when I found out they were going to make these fat asses run a marathon…yes, a whole marathon (26.2 miles for those who are not aware).

Granted, at this point in the season the contestants were already well on their way to becoming their healthier selves, by working out all day every day and eating whatever those fitness Nazis told them to.  However, even for really healthy people, running a marathon takes weeks of training.  I know, I looked it up. 

While I chowed down on my Whopper with cheese and Onion Rings, I found that I was inspired by this idea of running a marathon.  And as an added bonus it would give me an excuse to buy some new athletic gear.  

Count me in.

 

Even more surprisingly, as I watched in amazement, each contestant completed the race (I don’t think they actually ran/jogged the whole thing but I suppose that’s not really the point).  I knew what I had to do.

At the time of this revelation, I had been an ex smoker for about six months, so I was feeling pretty healthy.  However, I've never been a runner and i'm not from Kenya, so I knew this was going to be a challenge.  Oh yeah, and I have Asthma.  Yes, stop yelling… I’m aware that smoking and Asthma don’t go together.

The very next day, I strapped on a pair of running shoes, turned up the tunes…and ran for TWO MILES…without stopping or walking at all!  Every minute of it sucked!

This may not seem like an impressive feat to most, but let me reassure you that I've NEVER excelled at running distances.  Even when I was in middle school I remember feeling like I was going to die when they made us run a mile in The President’s Challenge (a dumb fitness test they made everyone do back in the day).

I started running two miles a day, four times a week, and I kept doing it until running two miles started not to feel awful.  Then I upped it to three miles, and so on, and so on.  After awhile, I actually started to look forward to my self-inflicted torture tests.

After about five months of this, I had worked up to a long run of about 7.5 miles and was feeling really great about my new found ability.  I even had plans to run the Detroit marathon later that year!  But like some good stories, sometimes they crash and burn. 

One thing led to another and I was forced to put running on hold.  Life became chaotic; I started smoking again, and lost sight of this particular goal.    

Alas, I have regained my senses!  As of this past Friday, I've recommitted to quitting smoking…again.  I can’t wait to get back into torture, I mean running.  Maybe this time I can reach my goal.  I just know something like this will happen to me.....